Heart of Ash Read online

  “Ash,” she gulped. “I need to get out of here.” The room was closing in on her, making it hard to breathe.

  “Of course.”

  He led her out into the hall and barked, “Get security in there,” at Paula who was just returning with a plate of appetizers. Paula glanced into the cloak room, and rushed off to get help. But Ash didn’t wait.

  He quickly guided Emily down the hall and into a small lounge next to the ladies’ room, sat on the sofa and settled her on his lap. And held her. “It’s okay,” he kept saying, though whether he was trying to convince her or himself, she wasn’t sure. And she didn’t care.

  She wanted to stay here forever, in his arms.

  This man with whom she’d had a one night stand.

  The man who’d been her first.

  Her only.

  The man who had devastated her.

  If she let him, he’d do it again.

  She wanted to stay here forever, in his arms. But she couldn’t.

  So she stood and edged toward the other side of the room. The distance did not make her feel any safer. Because the real threat was in her heart.

  “Thank you, Ash,” she said, wiping her cheeks with the back of her hand. “Thank you for…saving me.”

  “I’m glad I listened my gut and followed Roman. He’s an ass,” he muttered.

  She snorted a laugh, and then caught it halfway.

  He met her gaze. Held it. “I’m an ass too.”

  “I beg your pardon?” Those were not the words she’d expected to hear.

  He smiled. It wasn’t a cocky, smarmy smile. It was threaded with humility and a hesitancy she’d never before seen in him.

  “Emily.”

  “A-Ash.”

  “I was wondering if…we could talk.”

  She blinked. “T-talk? O-okay.”

  His lips parted, as though he wanted to say something but couldn’t think of the words. And then, after a long, dangling pause, “God, you’re beautiful.”

  Heat raced through her. Ribbons of elation. Her body softened.

  She knew it was stupid. This was a guy who used women. Unrepentantly.

  He’d used her.

  Admitted it.

  She was so many kinds of a fool for still wanting him. Aching for him.

  But she did.

  So when he took a step forward, she didn’t back away, like a sane woman would. She held her ground. He stopped about a foot away.

  While she appreciated that he gave her her space, she yearned to feel his arms around her again, a clawing need. She reminded herself to remain aloof. To not fling herself into his embrace. She’d leaped into tempting waters with him before, and regretted it.

  “I’ve missed you, Emily. More than I can say.”

  “You…missed me?” She choked on the words. She meant to say them in an incredulous tone, but she missed the mark. To her ears, they sounded feathery and breathy and befuddled. She shook her head. Rallied her resistance. Firmed her resolve.

  Yes, he was gorgeous in that crisply pressed tux. Yes, his cologne drifted out and clogged her senses with a raging lust.

  But he was Mr. One Night Stand. And she, apparently, was an easy mark.

  She reminded herself of her vow—no more emotional decisions—and she took a step back. Something flickered over his expression. It might have been pain, but that was ludicrous. Guys like Ash Bristol didn’t feel pain, remorse, regret. They just took what they wanted and then walked away.

  Sorrow welled in her chest. She willed the tears prickling her lashes not to fall. She would not let him see her cry. She crossed her arms and attempted a smirk, although she wasn’t good at smirking. She hadn’t had much practice. “What do you want, Ash? Another roll in the hay? Because, according to your rules, our convocation has expired.”

  He winced. Raked his hair. “Emily…” He cleared his throat. “I just wanted to apologize. For what I did and said. I was wrong. That’s all. I’m sorry. And for the record, I will always regret hurting you. Until the day I die.” He shoved his hands into his pockets and gazed at her, as though memorizing her face. And then he turned. To leave.

  To leave.

  She thought she felt panic before? It was nothing compared to this rampant dread. If he walked out that door she knew, knew, she would never see him again.

  “Ash!”

  He froze. Waited.

  But the words she wanted to say, ached to say—stay, hold me, love me—would not come out. The part of her brain in charge of survival would not allow it. Instead, she folded her fingers together and offered the sweetest smile she could manage. “Thank you very much for saving me.”

  His eyes narrowed. As though he didn’t like her formality, which was ridiculous. He was the one who had ended things between them. Or her demeanor, which was also ridiculous. She was only being civil.

  “Quit being so damn polite.”

  She gaped at him. “I beg your pardon?”

  “No.” When she tipped her head to the side in confusion, he repeated himself. “No. You never beg my pardon. Never. In fact, I beg yours. I meant what I said Emily. I was an ass and I’m sorry.”

  She opened her mouth. Closed it again. Her brain fizzled and popped but she couldn’t make any intelligible words come out. Finally, at long last, she managed, “That’s okay, Ash.”

  “No, damn it. It’s not. It’s not okay.” His vehemence surprised her. “I’ve been hurt in relationships, Emily. And I liked you. I liked you so much I was scared of getting hurt again. So instead…” he fixed her with a remorseful look. “Instead I hurt you. And I’m sorry. Can you forgive me?”

  Excitement, hope and annoyance swirled inside her. She wasn’t sure which to focus on. She settled for politeness. “I… Of course Ash. I understand.”

  He glared at her.

  She didn’t know why he glared at her. She was accepting his apology after all. “What?” she asked.

  “Would it make you feel better to hit me?”

  “What?”

  “Because it would make me feel better if you hit me. Yelled at me. Punished me. Something.”

  For some reason, his outburst made her unaccountably happy. She laughed. “I’m not going to hit you. And I’m not going to yell.”

  He grimaced. “Punishment then?”

  She folded her hands before her and then deliberately unfolded them. “That depends.”

  “On what?”

  “On where we go from here.”

  She liked the way his gaze warmed. “So… You are willing to…give me another chance? Would you…” He ran his finger around his collar. “Would you…go out on a date with me?”

  Her heart faltered. “I don’t think that would be wise.” Not just yet, anyway. “But we can be friends.”

  He swallowed. “Friends?”

  She nibbled her lower lip. “I…would like to get to know you better.”

  “I’d like to get to know you better. I really would.” The way he said it, the glint in his eye made her knees weak.

  She ignored it. The glint. The wobbly knees. The thudding pulse. She stepped toward him and thrust out a hand. “Friends?”

  His Adam’s apple worked as he stared at her offering. Then he slid his hand into hers. As their palms kissed, electricity sizzled through her. She stepped closer.

  As did he.

  Until they were face to face, chest to chest, breath to breath—

  “Emily!”

  They sprang apart. Emily whirled to see Kaitlin in the doorway.

  Kaitlin’s gaze flicked from her to Ash and back again. Narrowed. “Are you…okay?”

  Emily laughed. She didn’t know why she laughed, other than the joy filling her heart. And Kaitlin’s expression. “Yes. I’m okay.”

  “And the two of you? Did you work it out?”

  Emily and Ash exchanged a glance. His brow lifted, as though in question.

  “For now,” she said. “We’ve made peace.”

  He nodded. “We’re frie
nds.” Though the way he said the word, he didn’t sound thrilled.

  “Oh Thank God,” Kaitlin gusted. “Because I have something to tell you.” She flicked a guilt-ridden look at Ash.

  “What is it?”

  “Well, I kept Roman from winning your auction item, but the bidding closed before I realized…”

  “Realized what?”

  “The high bidder was…Ash.”

  Emily whirled on him. “You bid on my item?”

  He shrugged. “I didn’t want Roman to get it. So I won?” He tried to wipe his smile away, but Emily caught it.

  “You won.”

  “Hours and hours with Emily?”

  Kaitlin chuckled. “Mmm hmm. I warn you, she’s a slave driver when it comes to these charity events.”

  The wink he shot Emily was a trifle wicked. “Ah,” he murmured. “Punishment it is.”

  Chapter Twelve

  Ash was not a man to let grass grow under his feet. Especially when it came to an opportunity to spend time with Emily. Using the event she had pledged to help him with as an excuse, he invited her out the next day to talk about the details over coffee.

  He would have preferred taking her to his penthouse for something more intimate, but he was determined to take this wooing slowly. Her words had made it clear she had only friendship in mind, but her eyes told a different story. He suspected her feelings ran as deeply for him as his did for her, but he had to take his time.

  He’d hurt her, and until he made it up to her, until he won back her trust, friendship would have to do.

  Friendship was probably best. No physical contact. Or at least, very little. Kissing, perhaps. And he knew if he had her alone in his apartment, more would happen than kissing. A lot more.

  There was something about her he just found irresistible. He wasn’t sure if it was her bright, shining innocent outlook on life, or her smile or just her scent, but when he was around her, he seemed to lose all sanity. He wanted nothing more than to pull her into his arms and make passionate love to her.

  So coffee it was.

  They met at Beanie’s Book and Coffee in Montlake, which was awkward, because the shop was owned by Emily’s friends, Lucy and Kristi. Who had, apparently, been clued in about his bad behavior. So as Ash and Emily chatted, they hovered and glared. After a while, Bella and Holt showed up to hover and glare as well. As though Lucy had called for reinforcements.

  Ash ignored them. They could hover and glare all they wanted. As long as he was with Emily, he didn’t care. Every moment together was a chance to show her the kind of man he really was. Or at least the kind of man he was trying to be. Every moment together was a chance to win her back.

  “So have you decided on a charity?” she asked as she sipped her mocha. He loved the pouf of whipped cream clinging to her nose. He wanted to lap it off, but knew better. Holt liked to flex his muscles when he hovered.

  “I have.” After five minutes thought, he’d settled on a cause for his big fund-raiser and as soon as the idea lit in his brain, he knew it was something he needed to do.

  “What is it?” She leaned forward. He tried not to peep at the cleavage the movement exposed and failed.

  “I…ah…” His brain fizzled as she leaned forward even more. Hell, if he didn’t know any better, he’d suspect she was trying to torment him. Then again, he had given her carte blanche to punish him. But only because he knew she’d never take him up on it. Not his Emily…

  “Ash?”

  “Huh? What?” He blinked.

  “Your charity?”

  “Oh. Right.” He pulled out the folder he’d brought. “It’s a great organization that finds mentors for foster kids.”

  She flipped through the prospectus. “Fostering the Future? I’ve heard of them. But…”

  “But what?”

  She fixed those beautiful blue eyes on him. They sliced right through to his soul. “Why does it matter to you?” When he didn’t answer, her chin firmed. “It has to matter, Ash. These events are a lot of work and if you don’t have a passion for it, it won’t be a success.”

  “I do. Have a passion…”

  She crossed her arms. “Why?”

  “I, ah, well…” Again, her attention dislodged all logical thought. He sucked in a breath and pulled the folder back, focusing on that instead. “Okay. When I was ten my mom had just gone through her fifth divorce—”

  She made a little sympathy coo, but he ignored it. There was no need for sympathy anymore. He was over all of that.

  “And my dad was between wives—” Another coo. He shot a look at her, trying not to frown. “Okay, the Bristols aren’t known for marital longevity. Not something I’m proud of.”

  To his surprise, she put her hand on his. “Ash. It’s not your fault your parents didn’t stay married.”

  “I didn’t stay married very long either.”

  “Would-would you like to tell me why?” This, she asked softly.

  His pulse thudded in the silence. He knew if he was ever going to have anything with her, she needed to know. Deserved to know. But damn, the words were hard to say. “She didn’t love me. She married me for my money.” There. Bold. Brash. Raw.

  He did not expect her reaction. A combination of fury and outrage. For him. “What a bitch.” The use of that invective from Emily’s lips shocked him. It warmed him too.

  “It gets worse.” He raked his fingers through his hair. “She made this announcement on our honeymoon…”

  “No.”

  “She’d been angling for my father, but he’d just met Michelle. So she switched to me. All she wanted was a settlement.” He was mortified at the way the sentence ended, all wretched and forlorn. He hadn’t intended it that way. But even now, his heart shrank when he thought of it.

  “Oh, Ash. I’m so sorry.” Emily stared down at her coffee. “I can’t think of a better reason to end a marriage.”

  “It was a bad breakup. In a series of bad breakups. That’s why… That’s why I decided on a rule. One night stands only.” He fiddled with his spoon. “I just came to the conclusion that a real relationship wasn’t in the cards for me.” A flush crawled up his cheeks. “As though I was cursed or something.”

  Her mouth opened. Closed. She swallowed. “I see.”

  “I know it sounds stupid when I say the words out loud. But that’s how I felt. Can you understand that?”

  “I can.” Her tone was thick with emotion. “I’ve felt the same way.”

  Her hand still rested on his. He turned his palm up, so they were holding hands, and stroked her with his thumb. “I can’t imagine that.” She was too perfect. Too sweet to feel as though the world was against her.

  “Every experience I’ve had with a man has been…well, terrible.”

  He winced. Yeah. He probably deserved that.

  “All I ever wanted was to find him.”

  “Him?” He tightened his hold on her.

  “You know.” She laughed self-consciously. “Prince Charming. Instead I found Prince Ogre. And Prince Toad…”

  “And Prince Ass,” he couldn’t help but add.

  She chuckled. “You weren’t so bad.”

  “Thank you?”

  “Until you dumped me…”

  He winced.

  “I just haven’t had much luck.” She sighed. “Of course, when I was in high school, boys never approached me. They were scared of my dad.”

  “Your dad?”

  She waggled her brows. “He’s scary.”

  Ash laughed.

  “Needless to say, I didn’t date. And then, in college…there was an unpleasant incident.”

  Shit. The way she said it made prickles crawl up his spine. He didn’t want to ask, but had to. “What-what kind of incident?”

  Her lashes veiled her eyes. She drew circles on the table with a fingertip. “A…something similar to what happened last night.”

  Hackles rose. “How similar?”

  Her expression lanced him. “Exac
tly similar.”

  “Roman?”

  She nodded.

  Rage swept through him like a forest fire. I will kill him, he thought. I will fucking kill him. But he didn’t say it. Couldn’t speak.

  “Anyway, I started thinking I was cursed.”

  Ash swallowed the lump in his throat. “You’re not cursed.”

  “That some malicious fairy had dumped a load of ug-dust on my head as a baby.”

  “You’re not cursed. And what is ug-dust?”

  “The opposite of pretty-dust.”

  He gaped at her. She was beautiful. The most beautiful creature on the planet. How could she think she was anything but magnificent?

  “Em—”

  “Hey there.” Lucy chirped, stepping up to their table with a plastic smile on her lips. Lucy was a drop-dead gorgeous platinum blonde, but her eyes spat daggers. At Ash. “How’s it going? All finished?” She scooped up Ash’s cup, though it was half full.

  Emily frowned. “We’re not done Lucy. Shoo.”

  Lucy leaned in. “’Kay. But just a heads up. Holt’s getting twitchy.”

  Ash glanced over his shoulder just in time to see the behemoth at the coffee bar crack his knuckles.

  “Tell him to take a chill pill,” Emily said, waggling her fingers toward Holt with a devil-may-care insouciance. Then again, she wasn’t the one Holt was gunning for.

  “I will. But…” Lucy frowned at their entwined hands. “You might want to keep it on your side of the table, Bristol.” With that, she whirled and flounced away.

  Emily made a face. “Sorry about that.”

  “I love that they’re so protective of you.”

  She wrinkled her nose. “I’m not a baby.”

  “No. But you are trusting and sweet. You see the best in people and expect them to act on it…”

  “I don’t see the best in people. Ash,” she corrected. “I look for it. There’s a difference. Now, before you get too distracted, you were telling me why this charity matters to you.”

  “Right.”

  “Your parents had both just divorced…”

  “My mom had just divorced. My dad was between wives.”

  “There’s a difference?”

  “There is.”

  “I see. And?”